We get asked many, many questions about how apologies, forgiveness, grace, love, and expectations should all work together. For example: Does every apology from one spouse need the forgiveness of the other spouse to bring closure? And, if so, how do you get your spouse to forgive after you apologize, especially if they don't feel like it? And what about this one: Aren't grace and forgiveness really the same thing?

To answer these questions well, let's go back to the beginning – the beginning of people. In Genesis 2:18, we see that God gave a woman to Adam to be a partner or companion. The thought behind "partner" or "companion" in the Hebrew phrase "ezer kenegdo" means that God was giving Adam something/someone that no animal or even God would provide; human companionship. This helper or companion was another person of the same kind as Adam (human) that could partner with Adam to produce more of the same and raise them to know their creator. Partnering to raise other humans is no small task as most parents know. I have often said, "Parenting is not for sissies," for good reason! Of course, all of this does not mean that couples who can't have children or choose not to are less loved by God, but remember that we are talking about one of God's purposes for marriage here.

In the Bible, unity, or themes of unity, are used well over 100 times. Why do you think this is the case? For God to accomplish His purposes on this earth while partnering with flawed humans requires deep and ongoing unity among humans. And this kind of unity requires us to settle our differences and get along even when we don't feel like it. Unity requires us to forgive others when others don't deserve forgiveness. And unity calls us to see the best in others (God's image in them) and love them, even when we don't like them at times.

God ordained marriage for a purpose. That purpose is to bear and raise children (make more beings in God's likeness), to maintain unity (husband and wife are the church, after all), to glorify (or reflect) God through their marriage and lives, and to steward The Garden (the earth). So, does a sincere and thoughtful apology maintain unity, help with raising children, glorify God, and line us up to better steward the earth? You bet it does! What about forgiveness? Does forgiveness support God's purpose for marriage? Yes, it does. The same goes for grace and love too.

When you and I offer apologies, forgiveness, grace, and love in our marriages, it honors God and helps to fulfill His purpose for marriage. But what if your spouse does not reciprocate? What if they don't offer forgiveness following an apology from you? What if they don't offer grace or love when you need those things the most? Truly, that is between them and God, and they will have to answer for what they did and didn't do. But you and I, we are responsible for doing what is right by God, whether it is reciprocated by our spouse or not. This is where expectations will mess us up every time. When I apologize to Tami, I want her to forgive me, and unfortunately, I have an expectation that she will. I say this for two reasons. First, her forgiveness brings closure to whatever is happening with us, thereby making me feel better. But more important than that, when Tami reciprocates with forgiveness, she is reflecting God's glory in a profound way since it serves as a small reminder of what God, through Christ, offers to each of us. These are both great reasons for wanting Tami to forgive me. Nonetheless, expecting her to forgive in my timing and on my terms will cause problems and should not be my main concern. Owning my own poor behavior and making things right (as much as I am able) is my concern here.

Apologies, forgiveness, love, and grace all support the purposes God intended for marriage. Let's be honest, sincere apologies can be hard to give. Forgiveness is difficult but needed to help us understand God better and reflect His nature and His forgiveness. Grace is offering our spouses what they do not deserve and remembering that we need grace desperately as well. True and authentic love is the glue that holds apologies, forgiveness, and grace all together and elevates them on a foundation of sincerity. Lastly, expectations are the anti-glue here because expectations will cause things to fall apart. Expectations serve to diminish a loving apology, derail forgiveness, and will cause us to question whether any grace and love given had ulterior motives or not.

"The end of expectations in marriage is the beginning of peace and freedom."

In Matthew 18, Peter asks Jesus how many times he should forgive someone who offends him. Depending on your Bible translation, Jesus answers with 77 times or 7 times 70. You see, it was largely accepted in first-century rabbinical circles that we should forgive up to 3 times, but 4 times was certainly too far. When Peter said to Jesus, "Should we forgive 7 times?!" he was facetiously exaggerating since Peter knew that 7 times was way too much forgiveness to ask for or expect from anyone. And 77 times or more would have been understood in the first century as hyperbole. It's like saying to your spouse, Do you love me 10 times?" They answer by saying, "Of course! If fact, I love you a bazillion times!" which may not be humanly impossible. The point here is that God's forgiveness to us is immeasurable. Therefore, we should press ourselves out of our comfort zones when it comes to forgiving others, so that the goal is forgiveness. God set the example for us to work towards. Even if we can never reach the bar that God set on forgiveness, what He asks of us should be our standard and our goal nonetheless. After all, when we forgive another person in profound ways, others might say something like, "Who does that?!" "Who can forgive that way?" God does, that's who. Because God is who we are trying to learn sincere forgiveness from.

In a perfect world, apologies, forgiveness, grace, and love will all be given readily and freely without the slightest hint of expectation or strings attached. Until then, we should all work towards that goal.

And lastly while on this subject, there are often consequences for wrong doing or making bad choices. This should not be confused with forgiveness!

There is more insight on this topic in our book, Ready to Surrender - Poor Communication in Marriage is a Battle You Can Win. You can find out more here:


DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

1. Why is it that we all WANT forgiveness, yet forgiveness is so difficult to GIVE sometimes?

2. What stands in the way of you being able to forgive your spouse?

3. Do you have trouble admitting your faults and apologizing for them? Why is this?

4. If grace is defined as, "giving to another that which they don't deserve," do you give grace to your spouse? Why or why not?

5. I Corinthians 13:13 says, "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." Why is love the greatest?

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By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2017

Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/forgiveness