Read that title again or read the sign above. We have all read or seen this cautionary statement before, which invites us to use our utmost discretion before proceeding with anything. Maybe you have considered purchasing a new home. You might be hoping to get a reasonable price on something and don't mind a house that needs a little extra work; then you see the phrase, "SOLD AS IS" which may stop you in your tracks as you wonder, "If I buy this property, am I stuck with it forever – even if something is wrong with it?" It would certainly seem so.
Or maybe you have thought about buying a used car. The car looks decent enough, but then you notice an extra window sticker next to the one with the price on it that proclaims that his car is to be sold "as is." There is no warranty included or implied, and no future add-ons or modifications will be made to fix anything that is not right. In other words, what you see is what you get!
What about your marriage? Have you ever considered that you married your spouse "AS IS?" Maybe you married your spouse wanting to believe that they were nearly perfect, but a few months into your married life together, you started to question whether or not your spouse was as perfect as you had allowed yourself to believe. Even now, you may be wondering, ”How did I miss these clues that my spouse is less than perfect?” Are there things about your spouse that you wish were – different? Or maybe you married your spouse knowing that there were some issues. You reasoned to yourself that your spouse would change in time or that you could change them in time. But that change has not happened. Now what?
The great challenge in both of these cases is that we all want our spouses to be the very best version of themselves, but what can we do when we are convinced that they are not (the very best version of themselves)? Do we merely learn to live with the fact that we made our "purchase as is?" Are we stuck with this less-than-ideal person who has some issues they are not working on to our satisfaction?
Let's start out by being honest.
We all say that we want the best for our spouse for their sake, right? But if we are being honest, maybe we want it for our sake too. Maybe we want our own version of the best spouse for our own sake because we believe that we are usually right in how they SHOULD be and because all of this would simply make our life less – uncomfortable, right? And we don’t like being uncomfortable. Maybe it’s time to sit with that last thought for just a minute before moving on because big “aha!” moments are the ones with the most potential for positive and lasting change.
Most people find that if they focus on their PLAN A in marriage, they won't need to worry about a PLAN B.
Now, with that piece out of the way, what is a healthy response from you once you realize you purchased your spouse as is, but you want them to be the best version of themselves because sometimes it seems like you can see in them a better version of themself than they do?
Three things you can do.
- Love them better than you ever have.
- Pray for them more than you currently do.
- Decide that the kind of person you choose to be will not be a reaction to who your spouse chooses to be.
LOVE THEM BETTER
It will be the tendency of nearly three-quarters of you reading this to skip this part because you will reason that you already love your spouse as much as you can. Please don’t stop reading yet. Deep and extraordinary love changes people, and your spouse could use some positive change, right? At this point, I must point out that it is NOT your RESPONSIBILITY to FIX your spouse, but it is your responsibility to love them in a way that nobody else can or will. It is this kind of love that provides fertile ground for any positive changes that your spouse will choose to make.
PRAY FOR THEM MORE
You have heard it said before that "prayer changed things" and it's true. Your authentic prayers can provide opportunities for your spouse to change, but prayer can also change you. Before you put your guard up and remind yourself that your spouse is the one who needs to change, please take the time to realize that your are not perfect yet and might need help in changing how you see your spouse. The bottom line is this, if there is a God in heaven who loves you and created you (and we believe there is) and who also created the stars in the heavens, and this God wants to hear from you, why wouldn't you pray?
YOU GET TO DECIDE WHO YOU ARE BECOMING
One of the most common dysfunctional dances we see in couples is where one spouse assumes something about the other (ex.: "he was acting like he was mad at me for some reason") and then allows themself to react off of that assumption (ex.: "therefore, I will put up my guard and pull away from him"). This is a dysfunctional dance that can spiral out of control pretty quickly. Maybe you can relate to this. Instead of becoming a person based on your reactions to your perceived actions and inactions of your spouse, why don't you decide what kind of person you want to be (your goal), then work hard to untether that goal from how you perceive your spouse to be at times? Is this even possible? Of course, it is!
In summary, you "purchased your spouse as is" and your spouse made the same kind of deal when he/she agreed to "purchase you as is." Allowing yourself to believe that you are stuck in your marriage is rarely a helpful mindset. Instead, remind yourself daily that you are choosing your spouse "as is" each day, while choosing to spend some time continuing to work on you. After all, your spouse's flaws will always be the easiest to see, but yours are the only ones you can control.
There will be questions about this blog post because this is a weighty topic with many possible nuances. So, please do contact us with your questions. Sometimes your questions help us to clarify an important point in the article that we failed to make clear. Sometimes your questions and insights help us to help you in positive ways. Whatever the situation, we truly do love to help. Just visit our ASK page and let us know the title of the blog post that you have a question or comment about.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:
1. Have you ever wanted your spouse to be a better version of themself so you could feel more at ease sometimes?
2. Do you think you currently love your spouse as much as you can or as much as you need to? Is there ever room for improvement here?
3. How often have you prayed for your spouse? How often have you prayed WITH your spouse? This should be the goal for every thriving marriage.
4. Do you ever act a certain unhealthy way toward your spouse as a reaction to how they treated you (whether intentional or not)?
—-
If you have any comments or questions about this post, we would love to hear from you.
By Brad & Tami Miller. Copyright © 2023
Link to: https://TandemMarriage.com/post/as-is
