As married couples, we all have two lives that we will live. There is the trouble-free dream-life that we planned together with our fiancé leading up to the day we married and for a time thereafter, and there is the life full of curveballs that we will inevitably need to deal with. Most curveballs are unexpected, or unplanned for, situations that can push us to our limits both individually and as a couple. Some curveballs are things we planned for a little bit, but did not fully prepare for. Furthermore, if we don't know how to deal with these curveballs in a healthy way, they can wound us at best or break us at worst.
Another great title for this article might be:
"When your plans don't go as planned."
WHAT IS A CURVEBALL?
In baseball, a "curveball" is a throw to a batter that leaves the hand of the pitcher looking like one thing and ends up in the batter's box looking like something much different. Since you never know when a curveball is coming your way, they can feel unexpected or even jarring.
In life, a curveball can be anything from the list below, whether planned or unplanned:
- Having a child
- Buying a house
- Building a house
- Moving
- A sudden illness
- A car accident
- Losing a job
- Starting a business (or running one!)
- Kids moving out (and parents becoming "empty-nesters")
- Retirement
- Caring for an aging parent
- Loss of a parent
- and so much more
WHAT WE DO BY DEFAULT
By default, and especially under stressful situations, most of us will tend to pull away from each other and toward fight, flight, or freeze. Fight, flight, or freeze is our fallback response to danger—and everyone is different. If somebody sneaks up behind you and scares the you-know-what out of you, will you punch them (fight), will you run (flight), or will you feel frozen and unable to move (freeze)? When life throws you a curveball, you will likely have a similar response to one of these.
For example, if you lose a job, you may get angry and want to chew someone out or ruminate on ways to hurt them back (fight). Or, if you become very stressed out by a situation at home, you may feel the need to get away and distract yourself (flight). Or, if you are in a car accident, even though you are not physically hurt, you may simply freeze in a state of shock like a fainting goat (watch this short video if you've never seen one). These are all very normal responses, and are not character flaws.
But, we do have some control over our responses, and that control can greatly effect outcomes.
WHAT WE DO BY INTENTION
Whether you are prone to fight, flight, or freeze might have you feeling like you are a victim of your biology or a victim of what you were conditioned to do growing up (nature vs. nurture). But, you do have some control, or some agency, over both your responses and the outcomes that follow from your intentional responses. And just like planning to regularly contribute to a 401K for your eventual retirement, your control over your responses to life's curveballs starts long before that curveball is ever within your view.
CURVEBALLS CAN BE MINIMIZED OR MAXIMIZED DEPENDING ON OUR RESPONSES
Let's go back to the example of losing your job and your default fight, flight, or freeze response. What can you do differently?
Allowing your default response to be your only response will likely make things worse. A fight, flight, or freeze response alone will have you NOT dealing with the issue at hand, but rather trying to avoid the real issue in your own way. This response alone may maximize your problem and make it worse.
About now, you may be wondering, "So, if my default responses to life's curveballs may only make things worse, what else can I do?"
For starters, you are not alone! This is truly one of the most profound, and underutilized, aspects of marriage—you are not alone. You have a spouse who loves you, is on your team, and who desires what is best for you—even when life throws you a curveball. While your default response would have you avoiding and isolating, you can fight against that response so you can approach your spouse, your partner in life, and ask for clarity, a different perspective, help, and support. This is no small matter.
Next, just like that 401K you are using to prepare for your retirement one day, you can start preparing for life's curveballs by talking through more things than you currently do. Most couples are accustomed to dealing with the things they must and avoiding the things they can avoid. For example, you likely talk through finances just enough to pay your monthly bills, but not enough to plan for a new roof on your house or replacing your car, which WILL need to be replaced someday. We all do this to some extent because we don't like to deal with hard stuff—until we are forced to. This is the next thing you can change; to be intentional about preparing for the hard stuff.
HOW DO WE PREPARE FOR THE HARD STUFF?
You prepare for the hard stuff by using the same mindset that you did when you planned for your 401K—by knowing that some of the most important things in your life will not take care of themselves and will, therefore, require your time and attention!
Go back to the list of curveballs at the top of this page. How many of those have you and your spouse talked through? Do you have a good understanding of how your spouse feels about those things? Do you know how you feel about them? Do you feel differently about them or similarly? If you needed to make a difficult decision together on one of those things, could you, or do you need to spend more time talking it through and understanding each other better?
Let's use the first item on the list as an example; having a child. Most spouses will talk through wanting to have kids or not wanting kids as well as a few things you liked or didn't like that your parents did when they raised you. The end. That's as far as most couples get before that crying, pooping ball of neediness is living under your roof. And that can feel like quite a curveball! Instead, using the list above for "inspiration," start talking those things through as a team. Talk through your dreams, your plans, and your fears too. Invite your spouse into the conversation by asking for his/her dreams, plans, and fears. Ask good questions of your spouse and seek to know them and understand them better. You will find that when you can do this, life's curveballs will feel a lot less curvy. They may even feel more predictable.
DO YOU HAVE MENTORS IN YOUR LIFE?
If you are the kind of person who thinks you can figure out most things on your own, this may be the most difficult piece to put into practice so far. We are firm believers in the power of learning from those who have gone before us. We call these people in our lives "mentors." If you have these people in your life already, you might call them "parents," or "trusted friends," or something else, but we will use the term "mentors." Most people reading this blog post will get some kind of advice, counsel, or wisdom before investing in a 401K, we think that good mentors will do the same for so many other areas of your life, including those with curveballs. We have written more about mentors in another article called, Don’t Make the Mistake of Thinking Your Marriage Can Survive Without Mentors.
SUMMARY
We all have a default response to life's curveballs, but we have some choices as well. Learning to work better as a team in your marriage has no downside, and a thousand upsides. Learn to be a team in all things. Also, planning for the inevitable difficulties that come your way seems smart on paper, but can be difficult to put into practice. Difficult is not the same as impossible! Having difficult conversations in your marriage from time to time is a healthy way to mitigate life's curveballs, and it's a very healthy way to grow toward "oneness" in your relationship. Nobody wants a curveball in their lives, but some will actually prepare for them. In John 16:33, Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:
1. Look at the list above. What are the three curveballs that seem the most pressing/important to you? (Add your own, if needed.)
2. What is your default response to life's difficulties (fight, flight, or freeze)? What about your spouse?
3. What do you need to do to be intentional enough to start talking through these curveballs with your spouse? Make time? Be intentional? Start working to improve our communication so we can eventually have these harder conversations?
4. Besides being better prepared for life's curveballs, what do you see and another benefit of working through these together?
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By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2024
Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/post/curveball