At some point, we all deal with conflict and hardship in our marriages – and we all wish we could navigate through these situations better. Tami and I receive a great deal of feedback, as well as questions from spouses who wish they could learn to work through their challenging issues in a healthier way than they currently do. We understand completely which is precisely why we talk about conflict so much and why I am going to share a new idea with you today. To be fair, this idea is not new to me (Brad) since I have been working on this idea for many years; however, it will likely be a new tool for you to add to your marriage toolbox. 

Let me set the stage for you. Imagine that your spouse is having a hard day. It is possible, of course, that this could even be your fault or it may have nothing to do with you, but it’s one of those situations that causes you to feel irritated, annoyed, or angry toward your spouse. At this point, you are at a crossroads and have a choice to make as to how you will respond. You can allow your frustration to get the best of you as it determines the outcome of the day, or you can do something new and unique – you can choose to be a hero!

Even though I have not always made these choices well, it has been my intent to be a hero to Tami every chance I get. Think of it this way, if you only have 5-10 chances per week to be a hero to your spouse, how many of those are you willing to squander or ignore? None, right?! Me too. This is why I have trained myself to slow down, shift my mindset, and ask myself a very important question in the midst of these situations. When I feel myself getting irritated, annoyed, or angry, I remind myself that it is my selfishness rearing it’s ugly little head—again. In other words, when Tami has a hard day, I can respond with love and grace by entering into her emotions or I can feel annoyed that her bad day is inconveniencing me. For me, the recognition that my selfishness is trying to make a prison break is vital because it reminds me that this is NOT who I want to be. No, I want to be somebody different for Tami's sake. But WHO do I want to be? This is where that important question comes into play. I reach into my marriage toolbox and pull out my hero question tool which causes me to ask myself this question, “Is this an opportunity for me to be a hero to Tami?” Almost without fail, the answer to that question is a resounding YES!

Once you have a "yes" to the hero question, you can more easily see that there is a point to all of this. You will also see that you can affect the outcome in a positive way. You will see that you now can decide WHAT to do that makes you the biggest hero in this situation. Maybe you need to take out the trash with joy, even though you don't feel like it at the moment. Maybe you need to gladly pick up the kids, even though it is not your turn. Maybe you need to cancel something important so that you can be there for your spouse, even if this is not your first response. Furthermore, you will find that this situation is an opportunity–a great opportunity–to both love your spouse well and not get yourself worked-up and in trouble again. Does this sound like a win for your marriage?

If you have any comments or questions about this post, we would love to hear from you using our contact page here.

By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2019

Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/post/hero