Let's walk through a little example. Let's assume that your spouse had a misunderstanding with your mother-in-law—again. You assume the worst (maybe you truly believe your reaction is warranted) and you tell your spouse, "I can't believe you did this again! You always have these misunderstandings with my mom!" Your spouse is trying to explain to you what actually happened, but you don't really want to listen. And since your mind is already made up about what you believe happened, the fact that you don't want to listen would make perfect sense. Next, your spouse feels disrespected, misunderstood, and treated unjustly. In an attempt to be heard, your spouse starts talking louder as the discussion escalates into a full-blown argument because, after all, since your mind is made up, why would you entertain your spouse’s feeble attempts to share what they really meant. You each spend the next several hours (or days) trying to avoid each other. You are avoiding your spouse because you can't believe he/she said ________ to your mother-in-law again! And your spouse is avoiding you because because you would not listen to them, and your spouse feels unheard and defeated—again.

What did all of this accomplish? Ask yourself this question honestly. What did it accomplish? Did it accomplish anything worthwhile? Anything of value? Anything that will add to your goal of oneness and unity for your marriage? I doubt it. A few of you will justify some minimal value in this argument you just had. You will be thinking something like, "Well, it's the truth!" Are you sure it's the truth and not your biased version of the truth? I would challenge you to weigh that value against the cost: of feeling hurt, frustrated, closed off, and ticked off. This does not sound worth it to me.

Now let's run through the same scenario except this time you choose to believe the best about your spouse. Your spouse has a misunderstanding with your mother-in-law. You assume the BEST by believing in your spouse and by reminding yourself that your spouse is a good person who means well. This time, once your spouse is aware that something may have gone wrong, your spouse feels safe enough with you to ask for your input on this situation. Since you are not intent on throwing your spouse under the proverbial bus this time, you have just been given permission to speak the truth in love [Ephesians 4:15] into this situation.

If you've seen the 2002 Spider-Man movie, you know the line, "with great power comes great responsibility." This is so true. When you have been granted permission to address your spouse's situation (some might call this "constructive criticism"), you have been given great power. That power is because your spouse has been vulnerable with you and placed their heart into your hands. If you use this power to benefit your marriage, everyone wins. But, if you use this power to assume the worst and slam your spouse because you think they deserve it, no one wins. In fact, when no one wins, everyone loses. You, your spouse, everyone! We all want to win and we can if we are intentional to believe the best..

"Think about it this way, whether you choose to believe the best about your spouse or believe the worst, the amount of effort to control your thoughts is about the same."

All of this goodness you just witnessed in the second example was made possible by believing the best about your spouse. Let's be honest, sometimes it's hard to think the best. Sometimes it's all too easy to come up with reasons to think the worst. Sometimes, it seems as if our brain has a mind of its own (pun intended) as it manufactures a pretty awful narrative. This is where grace comes in. We have said before that, "Every marriage needs grace to survive." This scenario shows why that is the case. Most of the time when you give grace, you will receive more grace as well. And this is how thinking the best of your spouse will change your marriage for the better one act of grace at a time.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

1. When do you typically think the worst of your spouse? When you are upset, disappointed, hurt, or something else?

2. What is one way you can remind yourself to do something different next time and think the best?

3. If you feel like your spouse sometimes thinks the worst of you, does that justify you doing the same? Does anybody win in this scenario?

4. If you were to think the BEST of your spouse, how do you think this will impact your marriage?

5. If you were to think the WORST of your spouse, how do you think this will impact your marriage?

---

If you have any comments or questions about this post, we would love to hear from you using our contact page here.

Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/best

By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2016

"