If you are married, sooner or later you will have to deliver some difficult or heartbreaking news to your spouse. Maybe you got the phone call about your spouse’s dad being in a car accident and you don't want to tell him/her because you hate to see them hurt, worried, anxious, etc. Or maybe it was your spouse letting you know they did not get the job they’ve been working so hard to get. Maybe there is something bigger that you know you need to get off of your chest—something that is sure to be a "truth bomb" and you just can't wrap your head around how to share this news. Let’s face it, life is hard at times. So, what’s the right way to handle these disappointments?

I recently got some really heartbreaking news that would impact both Tami and I in different and difficult ways. I knew that I would need to tell Tami and bring her up to speed, but I wondered how? I really hate to see her so hurt and disappointed. So, what is the best way to share some heartbreaking and/or difficult news with your spouse when you do not what to see them hurt?

First, You Must Tell Them

First things first. It is almost always best to be open and transparent with your spouse, to share the truth with them and whole truth. Trust is a foundational thing in a marriage, and therefore is not optional. Yet this doesn't make things any easier. In a healthy marriage, each spouse is responsible for their own feelings. In a difficult situation, this means that I must take ownership of my response to something and my spouse must take ownership of her. If I try to control Tami's response by holding back some or all of the truth, that is on me, not her.

Make no mistake, I can and should comfort and support her in these times, but I should not attempt to control her feelings or protect her from the truth.

Sometimes, when someone wants to tell me “a secret,” I will first let them know that I don’t keep secrets from Tami. The rare exception is something like a surprise party for her or an anniversary gift. But, if the secret is anything besides a surprise gift that your spouse will be happy about, you must tell them. There are very few exceptions to this and chances are that your situation is not an exception, especially if there is something that you are dreading telling them. This is a sure sign that you must be honest and tell them the truth. If you are still convinced your situation is unique, feel free to contact us using the secure contact form here on our site at https://tandemmarriage.com/contact/ and ask for some insight. And yes, we know to keep these sorts of things confidential. We do so all the time.

Timing Is Everything.

In marriage, the sooner we learn to get our timing right with important things, the better off we will be. For example, let’s say that you’ve been home all day with 3 demanding kids while your spouse has been at work. Do you really need to tell your spouse that the dog threw up on the carpet again the moment they walk in the door? Let’s try this scenario again with one minor change. This time you have same demanding kids, same difficult day, same dog vomit. The difference this time is timing. Knowing that you want to create a welcoming, safe space for your spouse, you decide the dog vomit ordeal can wait. This allows you and your spouse to reconnect when they get home and will end up setting the tone for the rest of the evening.

This means that you may want to wait, but not usually more than a few hours depending on the situation, before telling them the news. Does it always go as smoothly in real life as in the example above? Of course not, but remember that if the second example which utilized better timing is the goal, you will reach your goal some of the time. If it is not your goal, you will fail all of the time!

"If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time." ~Zig Ziglar

Honesty In Marriage Leads To Greater Intimacy In Marriage

Being honest is the easiest when honesty is the rule and not the exception. Nonetheless, there will be times when being honest is difficult. For these times, remind yourself that honesty and intimacy (emotional, spiritual, and physical) go hand in hand! The more honest you are, the deeper the intimacy. If the trust in your relationship is shallow, the level of intimacy will be as well.

Actively look for opportunities to build trust. If your spouse likes to know what time you will be home, stop seeing this as a control issue for your spouse, and start seeing it as an opportunity for you to build trust. Tell them what time you will be home, then stick to it. If your spouse is uncomfortable with something you do that you think is ok, stop lying to avoid the conflict. Instead, have difficult conversation that lead to mutual solutions. This is an opportunity to build trust.

SUMMARY

So there it is in a nutshell. Tell the truth and the whole truth. Be ready to comfort and support your spouse as needed, especially if they grieve and process differently than you do. When you can do this, you will enjoy greater intimacy; emotional, spiritual, and physical. Look for opportunities to build trust. These opportunities are in the little things AND in the big things. If you look for them, you will find them.

P.S. If there has been betrayal in your relationship (infidelity, or an affair), this is one time when you will need some help telling the truth. Being honest about the affair and stopping the affair are both important, but being honest and transparent about too many sexual details with haunt your spouse forever. In these cases, it's best to get help from a qualified professional who will help you both to stay focused on conversations that are helpful and healthy.

We love this book about building trust in a marriage. It's called Worthy of Her Trust and you can find it on Amazon by using this link. https://amzn.to/3ARbtNm

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

1. Have there been times when it's difficult for you to tell the truth to your spouse? Talk this through.

2. Can you see how NOT telling them the truth is a way to control your spouse's emotions for them? Is it your intent to control your spouse?

3. Can you see how controlling your spouse's emotions in this way is actually about things that YOU don't want to feel or deal with? What are those things that you don't want to feel or deal with?

4. If you want to be trusted, then you need to be truthful. Do you automatically give trust to others in your life, or is trust earned over time?

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Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/truth

By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2017