We get asked a great deal of questions about what is permissible, sexually speaking, if you are a follower of Jesus. You may have asked yourself some of these same questions. Here are some of the actual questions we have been asked over the years.

  • Is porn allowed if we view it together?
  • Is masturbation allowed If I am not viewing porn?
  • Can we use sex toys to enhance sex?
  • Is oral sex allowed?
  • My spouse does not like or enjoy sex, now what?
  • Can we video us having sex so we can arouse ourselves later?
  • And a hundred more questions just like these.


These questions are all essentially asking the same general question; "What is sexually permissible in marriage?" Asking these kinds of questions about "What is permissible," is kind of like saying, "How far is too far? Or, "What can I/we get away with and still have a clear conscience regarding sex?" Or, "What are 'the rules' we have to obey with sex?" Do you really want to start with, "What can we get away with?" Well, we hope not. The other problem with these kinds of questions is, if you are looking for someone to give you permission to do something, you will find that person if you look long enough. Obviously, you can tell that we don't think these kinds of questions are helpful because they are deeply flawed questions and we want to help you think better about such important things. Now what?


Since the "What is permissible in sex?" kinds of questions are not helpful, where do we start to find a healthy and God-honoring view of sex in marriage? Let's start with purpose. What is the purpose of physical intimacy in marriage? It's unlikely that you've ever thought about that before, and you are not alone.

God created all things (Genesis 1:1) and did not create things on accident or without purpose. God created Adam to be in His likeness and created Eve so that Adam would have help with what he had been given dominion, or authority, over (Genesis 1:26-28). Are you already seeing the purpose that God built into humanity? Let's continue. Adam's penis and Eve's vagina were not accidental either. God built into these amazing parts of the human anatomy, the ability to produce offspring AND the ability to connect. When I say "connect," what exactly do I mean? I mean that God was obviously intentional to allow sex to be pleasurable (read Songs of Songs if you don't already know this). Not only did God create the parts needed for sex, He also connected them to a vast network of physiological wonders in our brains and bodies! To keep this simple and focused for this article, God tied our sexual organs into our brains using euphoria-like chemicals such as dopamine, testosterone, serotonin, norepinephrine, and oxytocin. We have written about this in greater detail in another article called, You Think You Know How Healthy Intimacy in Marriage Works, But You Probably Don’t

Are you starting to see that God intended for physical intimacy in marriage to be pleasurable for you both? But why? 

Genesis 2:24 says, "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh." How, you might ask, can two people become "one flesh? "This is where sex comes into the equation. You see, all of those chemicals make you feel good AND help you to become deeply connected to another human. I have heard people say something like, "Sex is just sex," or "Sex is just skin, nothing else." You may have heard this too, and maybe you started to believe it. But it's not true because of the chemicals released in your brain and your body during sex! Those chemicals will connect you to this other person emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.


Ahh, I am so glad you have asked that question. Life is hard. In John 16:33, Jesus says, "…in this world, you will have trouble…" Marriage is hard. If you have been married a few years or more, you already know that it's difficult to take two different people from different backgrounds and get them to become "one flesh." Raising children is hard and being united In some unique ways with your spouse might help you both to be on the same page while you are doing that important job. Are you starting to see that being deeply connected as a husband and wife will serve you in profound ways and help you to have a great marriage, raise healthier kids, as well as learning to share the Gospel and live out your days like a sanctified believer in Jesus?


Physical intimacy in your marriage is intended to serve a purpose, and that purpose is to keep you in unity and deeply connected SO THAT you can accomplish some really important things for The Kingdom of Heaven. So, take all of the "What can I get way with in sex?" questions and thrown them away to start with a clean slate. Now that you have a clean slate and are better focused on the purpose for physical intimacy (sex) in your marriage, you will likely be asking much different questions. Better questions. Healthier questions. Questions more focused on God and why He has you here on earth than merely questions about why you may be dissatisfied with sex.


Are you wondering how to assess whether or not you have lost sight of God's purpose for intimacy and the ability to connect well in your marriage? Here are a few thoughts to get you back on track. Did you know that humans are the only creatures that are designed to have sex face to face? During sex, do you and your spouse regularly kiss, look into each other's eyes, or focus on the beauty in each other's bodies? However you answered the questions above, it may be time to work on your new, enlightened understanding of the purpose for physical intimacy; it may be time for you to celebrate this amazing gift from God!

P.S. We know that there are people with unique situations and unique needs. Nonetheless, we still believe that starting with God's intended purpose for physical intimacy is the right place to start. Once you have worked to understand that better, there are counselors and other marriage experts who can help you where you need help.

P.P.S. One of the ways Tami and I decide what to write on is by knowing your questions, so please ask using the link to our contact form in the footer below. We will answer your questions AND, you just might be the inspiration behind our next blog post.

If you struggle with porn and would like some helpful resources, use this link from a desktop computer to visit the Covenant Eyes resources/ebooks page.


1. Did God intend marriage to have a purpose? What is that purpose for marriage? (Be detailed and specific)

2. Do you see that God intended for sex in marriage to serve a purpose as well? Or several purposes? List them.

3. For you to be more purpose-minded when it comes to sex in your marriage, what do you need to change-improve?

4. With this new understanding of sex in marriage, do you see ways in which your marriage relationship can improve even though you have felt stuck before now?


If you have any comments or questions about this post, we would love to hear from you using our contact form, linked in the footer.

By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2024

Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/post/intimacy