If you have been married for more than a few years, then you already know each of you has some brokenness from your past. Most of the time, you will need outsiders, or trusted individuals, who know you to speak truth, wisdom, and healing into your lives. If you have allowed others this privilege in your life, then you are already aware of some things you should be working to improve.

One of the ways in which many of us can improve ourselves and our marriage is to understand and reign in our private thoughts. The thoughts and ideas that you allow to take up space in your head will impact the way you relate to others and especially the way you treat your spouse. After all, ideas have consequences, and bad ideas have victims. Think about that. At this point, It is almost too obvious to talk about the 17 million people who were killed under the Nazi Germany regime, and how this all started with an idea, or thought, that somebody believed to be true. This was the thought that some people are more valuable than others. Let all of this sink in for a moment.

"Ideas have consequences, and bad ideas have victims."

Let's get back to how this applies to you. If you have had trouble your entire life believing that you are lovable, for example, you will convince yourself that the people around you do not and cannot truly love you. You will reason that they are trying to get something out of your or use you. Their best attempts at sincerely loving you will start to feel to them that they are never enough for you since you won't receive them as the genuine love these other people are intending. And when one or more of these well-intentioned people who was trying to love you starts to back away because they can feel the walls you have put up, you will say to yourself, "I was right all along. I am unloveable." Tami and I have personally seen this in our work with couples and it is painful to watch as well as painful to recall even now.

What about you? Are you allowing yourself to believe lies about yourself or your spouse? There is a good chance that you are, and if so, it is hurting you and your relationship more than you realize.

Below is a list of some common lies that people believe, followed by a healthy reframe of that thought. A "reframe" is when you are intentional to take that thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) and re-word it in such a way that it draws you into a relationship (your marriage, in this case) instead of pushing you away or causing you to isolate.

THE LIE: "Our kids would be better off if we were divorced."
THE REASON: Not true, your kids will be better off when you learn how to forgive and love in better ways than you currently do. This is possible!
THE REFRAME: "Our kids will be better off when we work on our marriage."

THE LIE: "My spouse shows that they love me when they behave/act in the ways I expect them to."
THE REASON: This view is too controlling and full of unrealistic expectations.
THE REFRAME: "My spouse shows that they love me in different ways than I would expect."

THE LIE: "My spouse should be able to handle whatever I say to them as long as I believe it is true."
THE REASON: Words are powerful and can breathe life into a person or destroy them.
THE REFRAME: "I do not ever want to hurt my spouse deeply with my words. Therefore, I must manage what I say."
Ephesians 4:49 [NLT] says it this way, "Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them."

THE LIE: "I am only valued for producing children or for sex."
THE REASON: God places profound value in the worth of a person. Believing anything less is a lie.
THE REFRAME: "My spouse loves me for others reasons that I don't always see or acknowledge."

THE LIE: "When my spouse is angry or frustrated, it is because I am unlovable."
THE REASON: If your spouse gets angry or frustrated, then they either have a trigger they need to manage, or a concern to share with you. Both of these can be done without berating the other.
THE REFRAME: "Even though it FEELS like my spouse doesn't love when they are frustrated, I know it's not true"

THE LIE: "It is my spouse's responsibility to help me resist porn and sexual sin."
THE REASON: God will hold each of us to be accountable for our own actions, what we did and did not decide to do.
THE REFRAME: "Porn is a personal problem with relational consequences. Therefore, I must get porn out of my life."

THE LIE: "I am only loved when I do certain things."
THE REASON: You may have convinced yourself that this feels true, but it is very unhealthy thinking. Does another person determine if you can be loved, or do you?
THE REFRAME: "My spouse loves in different ways than I do and I should look for that."

THE LIE: "It is my spouse's responsibility to _______________, so I am not triggered."
THE REASON: A person who cannot control their own triggers and the thoughts that come from those triggers will resort to trying to control the behavior of others as a way to minimize their own pain. This is unhealthy for everyone involved.
THE REFRAME: "I need to manage my own triggers. Nobody else can do that for me."

THE LIE: "I am only asking for a few hours of peace and rest each night in my home. Is that too much to ask?"
THE REASON: Be the peace that walks in the door. Be the grace in your home. Be the calm in your home.
THE REFRAME: My spouse and I both have needs. We are a team and need to balance these needs."

THE LIE: "All I am asking for from my spouse/kids is _______________."
THE REASON: This thinking implies that what you are requiring/expecting is not too much to ask; that you deserve _______________.
THE REFRAME: "I must work to find a tenable balance for my family."

YOU CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS OR THEY WILL CONTROL YOU!
Controlling your own thoughts and whether you choose to believe what feels true in the moment, but may not be, may be your biggest challenge. Work on understating the thoughts/beliefs in your own head. Write them down and reframe them in a way that promotes oneness in marriage (God's intent), instead of letting them become a wedge. One way to learn how to reframe messages is by believing the best about yourself or others. Can you do that? Do you know how to do that?

If you have a negative thought that you cannot reframe, send it to us using our contact form and we will try to help you reframe it. Would we really do that for you? Yes, we would.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1. What are some bad/untrue ideas that you have allowed to take up space in your head? These are ideas that can hurt your relationships. List a few of the lies that you have allowed yourself to believe. 

2. Now, create a healthy reframe for each of those lies that allows you to press into your relationship with your spouse instead of pulling away.

3. Can you think of a scenario in which a bad idea has "victims?" How about a scenario where one of YOUR bad ideas has victims?

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If you have any comments or questions about this post, we would love to hear from you in the comments below.

By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2023

Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/post/thoughts