When was the last time that you were guilty of taking words (either your words or someone else’s), with all of their power and meaning, for granted? If most of us are honest, our answer to this question would probably be: "today," "yesterday," or "this week." Why is this so? 

Let's start this with a little exercise to bring this problem into clearer focus. The next time you watch a movie or TV show, ask yourself this question, "How were words used to build someone up and make a difference or how were words used to tear someone down?" I'd be willing to bet that everything you watch, yes everything, will have some examples for you. And as you start to look for this in your favorite shows, you will more easily recognize the power of your own words as well.

Now back to you and your words. How much power do your words have? Have you ever said something to your spouse, only to watch the heaviness in their face as they reel with the pain inflicted by your words? I have, and it is an awful feeling. In fact, I have said words that I should never have said and, within two seconds, found myself trying to hit the "UNDO" button. The only problem is that there is no undo button in those situations. The only way left for me to try to fix some of the pain I caused is to spend the next several hours or days either trying to apologize and repair the damage I have caused, or trying to defend my harsh words. These are both terrible options. Wouldn't it be easier and better if I recognized the power in my words and used them more wisely to begin with? Wouldn't it be better if I had more respect for the power in my words?

Just like a powerful tool in the hands of a trained craftsman, words can be used to make something beautiful. Or, like a sword in the hands of Braveheart, words can be used to cut someone into shreds until they are virtually lying on the floor gasping for air—and begging for mercy. Don't let this happen to someone you love because of you and your words!

During the course of my life, I have realized that gaining mastery (and control) over my words has two profound benefits. First, I don't have to witness the pain and anguish I have caused to someone I love. Whether intentional or not and whether I feel like these word daggers were deserved or not, I will CHOOSE NOT TO INFLICT THAT KIND OF TRAUMA on my spouse. Second, when I take control of my mouth by choosing my words wisely, I spend less time repairing the damage and trauma caused by my words, less time back-peddling and eating my own bitter words, and less time NOT enjoying time with the one I love the most.

Over the years, as Tami and I have talked to many couples about these concepts, many have asked if it is really possible to manage your own mouth with such control. I always assure them that it is, and just like anything else this important to a marriage, it takes time to get it right. Also, the sooner you start working on it, the sooner you will gain control of it. If I can do it, so can you.

Ephesians 4:29 says it this way:

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

In summary, grab your sweetie and go watch your favorite Netflix, Hulu, HBO, or network binge. As you do, watch closely for how words are used, for better and for worse. Then do your best to make your words better—MUCH better!


1. Can you recall a recent movie or actual situation were words used to build someone up and make a difference or how were words used to tear someone down?

2. Talk about a time when you know you hurt your spouse with your words. If you need to apologize, please do.

3. Share a time when you could see the positive difference your words made in your spouse's life. After you share, ask your spouse to share how these words of yours made them feel.

4. What is one way you can remind yourself to slow down and use your words to build your spouse up?


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By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2019

Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/post/words