We recently wrote, “What They Can Never Take Away From Us” which was a very difficult thing for us to write about. In that article, we shared about how we were robbed, and some of our most valuable possessions were taken from us. Forever gone. So, we decided to tell our story about what happened. At one point, someone said something like, “Yeah, but why would you force yourself to relive all of that when you can just forget it?”

I thought, “Forget it? Really?” Are we, as humans, ever able to willingly and on demand just forget anything?

Try this little experiment with me. Bite your tongue really hard. Try to bite hard enough to make your tongue bleed. Can’t do it? How about a different idea? Hit your hand with a hammer. Hit it hard enough to make you wince, but try not to break any bones. Whichever one of these things you just did, now I want you to forget it — but you cannot. You see, as humans, we cannot truly forget. Our brains are not wired to allow us to forget things on demand. (Disclaimer: I don’t really want you to harm yourself. I am merely making a point here!)

So, when someone says to “forget it,"  what they truly mean is, “try not to dwell on this thing that is so difficult for you.” Maybe they don't want to feel your pain. Yet, you cannot forget your pain. And since humans cannot truly forget, I intend to give you some helpful and healthy ways to process the painful things in your life so that you won’t need to dwell on them.

When we talk about processing situations, memories, disappointments, trauma, etc., we are talking about how to move something in your brain from one part of the brain to another. This sounds strange to most of us because we don’t usually think of working through something in this way, but by explaining how all of this works in our brains, I hope to encourage you toward better mental and emotional health. Processing something that causes distress for you means moving it from the right parietal (where distressing things usually get stuck) to the forward parts of the brain, where processing occurs. This is when we are able to let things go.

Bruno Bettelheim was an Austrian psychoanalyst who did much of his work in this area. Bettelheim said with great insight, “What cannot be talked about cannot be put to rest.” This is because when we can identify an issue and talk about it, the talking is the processing that gets the issue unstuck and moves it to the forward parts of our brains, where processing is completed. In my own words:

"If you cannot put it into words, you cannot put it to rest."

This is why counseling with a professional counselor, therapist, or coach is beneficial because a good counselor can get you to talk about things even when you don't know how. This is also why talking to a spouse or a trusted friend often makes us feel better. And, this is why not talking about an issue is unhealthy, will make you feel awful and stuck, and may eventually shorten your life due to the stress of it all. All because you cannot simply forget about it!

Try out this kind of processing. Take a walk with a friend and do your best to talk through a difficult or stressful situation. You may need to do this several times depending on the issue at hand and how hard this kind of thing is for you. You could also write about it like Tami and I do here on the TandemMarriage.com blog. That can work just as well. And here’s the test:

“When you can recall a difficult or stressful time without having to relive it (with all of its pain), you know that you have processed it well and come out the other side.”

Processing traumatic and difficult events, as well as the hard things in life, is not easy, but doing so is necessary if you want to be able to move on. Since you cannot forget, you may as well learn to process issues in a healthy way. And don’t be afraid to press yourself to do this, even if it seems hard at first. Doing what’s right is rarely what’s easy, and digging up our old junk to process it is never easy, but it’s the only way to put it to rest.

"Doing what’s right is rarely what’s easy."

Thanks for taking the time to read and grow; the world needs more people like you!

Read ”What They Can Never Take Away From Us” on out blog

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Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/process

By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2017