Tami and I have been married for over 32 years at the time of this writing and we dated for 4 years before that, so we have some experience being married. Additionally, Tami is a licensed marriage counselor and we have worked with many, many couples together over the years. Add to this the fact that I currently do my work work in the neurology field and you will agree that together Tami and I have a pretty good grasp on both the psychology and science of relationships. Further, we love to share what we have learned with others just like you.

We all know that the early stages of love bring us so much joy. Truth be told, there is a chemical cocktail of oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine flowing through our brains that helps make this new lover’s euphoria so darn enjoyable. The bad news is that this new stage of love (we will call this "romantic love") can last no more than about two years for most people. Our brains simply cannot produce and process a sustained amount of this lover’s cocktail for much longer than that.

"New romantic love produces a lover's cocktail of euphoric brain chemicals that can last no more than about two years."

When I bring bad news, I will typically follow it with good news. Do you want to know what the good news is? Here it is: There is mature love waiting on the other side of romantic love if you know how to make the transition.

Think about your life over the next 5, 10, or even 20 years. Can you see yourself still courting each other exactly the way you did I the beginning? Do you think you can be this consumed with romantic love forever and actually accomplish anything else in your life like raising a family or advancing in your career? Or even having a full-time job? Not likely.

While mature love does not include the high levels of the aforementioned brain-enhancing drugs, it does include something far better: safety and security. Once we realize that romance won’t always FEEL the same as it did those first few years, it opens up the possibility for so much more. A solid, safe, and secure relationship is so much better for your overall well-being than the fast pace of romantic love.

WHAT SHOULD A COUPLE DO?
Since you cannot fully return to that early romantic love, what should a couple do who still wants to foster romance and healthy love in their lives? That's a GREAT question. You SHOULD do many of the same things you did in the beginning (go on dates together, enjoy lengthy conversations about your relationship and future, hold hands, kiss, and more), but you need to know that those same things will FEEL different than than they did before.

In the beginning, you couldn't think of anything else except for each other, now you need to be more intentional. In the beginning, deep conversations felt effortless and organic, but you still need to have those kinds of conversations if you hope to keep strengthening your relationship and growing more in love. In the beginning, holding hands produced a bunch of oxytocin in your bodies and you enjoyed the rush of oxytocin so much that you simply did what you liked; you did what felt good. Now, you must remind yourself that whether holding hands (or anything else for that matter) feels good or not, it is good for your marriage and the deep connection your marriage needs. This is mature love—doing what's best for your relationship, instead of only what feels good.

Here is the question that you all want to ask at this point: Is there still romance in a relationship that has transitioned to mature love? I can tell you from personal experience, YES THERE IS. The romance in mature love is both different and better. If Tami and I were given the choice to snub our noses at mature love and go back to romantic love, we would turn it down in a heartbeat!

SUMMARY
Fall in love, completely in love! Enjoy every minute of those first 18-24 months of bliss. Then, start to make the transition to mature love. Settle in for the long haul. Do what is good for your relationship, instead of only what feels good. Embrace the safety and security of getting to know another human completely. This will be a lifelong journey and you can learn to love every minute of it! That's what we are doing—well, most of the time!

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

1. Are you past the stage of romantic love? How long ago did that end?

2. Does it makes sense to you now why that kind of feeling can't be sustained for longer than about two years?

3. Do you see the need for more safety and security in your life and this point? Could this be what God intended all along for this current stage of our relationship?

4. When it comes to romance, what is currently missing from your relationship? 

5. What are the things you SHOULD be doing that you are not currently doing?

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By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2017

Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/romance

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