This article is the start of a new series we are devoting to building up your "marriage toolbox." So often, when we are working with a couple as their marriage coaches, they will say at some point, "We just need some good marriage tools." And while it is true that good marriage tools are a must, learning to use them correctly can make all the difference. After all, if we are talking about needing some actual tools for your actual toolbox, you cannot use a screwdriver as a hammer, nor can you make a pair of scissors the only tool you have or use, nor will a toolbox of full unused tools be helpful. Instead, you need many tools that each have a specific use, and you need tools that you understand how to use correctly.
This is why we are happy to introduce you to your favorite new marriage tool—the timeout. Learning to use a timeout when it's called for and use it correctly will minimize any emotional damage you do during a misunderstanding or a conflict. Often, when there is a misunderstanding, there is a certain amount of emotional damage done. If you can keep the misunderstanding from escalating into something much larger, you will only need to repair a small amount of damage, which can usually be done with a sincere apology as In, "I'm so sorry that I misunderstood you. Would you forgive me?" And that's it.
On the other hand, if you do not manage the misunderstanding, and it escalates into something much larger, most couples will spend days or weeks of avoiding each other, stonewalling, harsh words, tears, and more. This does not have to be the case once you learn how to use a timeout, and when to use a timeout.
WHAT IS A TIMEOUT?
Nearly everyone has been involved in some kind of conversation that got heated at some point. And once a conversation gets heated, the participants (typically a husband and a wife) make lots of mistakes: getting defensive, going off-track from the main topic, raising their voices, saying hurtful things, and more. The purpose of a timeout is to recognize when things are beginning to escalate, and to have a proven method for not letting things escalate out of control. After all, once things escalate beyond a certain point, there is not much good that can come out of that conversation. Like we said before, there will be even more damage to repair than the initial conflict or misunderstanding. This is why timeouts are essential and why it will be worth learning and practicing.
"Timeouts are needed during a conflict or misunderstanding to keep the train from going off the rails and doing further damage in your relationship."
WHEN TO TAKE A TIMEOUT
Imagine that you or your spouse are talking through something that has been difficult to work through in the past. Maybe it's finances and how you spend money. Maybe it's household expectations and how you don't contribute enough. Maybe it's something else entirely. You get the idea so far. You and your spouse are going back and forth making your points. You notice one or both of you getting louder and talking quicker. You find yourself not really listening, but instead forming your rebuttal argument so you can state your case and win. This is a great time for a timeout to keep things from escalating.
THE ANATOMY OF A TIMEOUT
Learn to take timeouts when you feel triggered or like the conflict is escalating. Here are the they key elements you need to understand a timeout.
- Take a timeout when you feel triggered, like things are escalating.
- Take ownership of what you are feeling and communicate it. (“I am feeling very frustrated/confused/etc. right now.”)
- Ask for, not demand, a timeout for a fixed amount of time (15 minutes, 30 minutes, 60 minutes, etc.), or if you are with family, you can wait until "later tonight" or "tomorrow."
- In a loving manner, assure your spouse that everything will be okay since you are committed to working through things together following the time-in.
- Say, “We are going to work through this,” or, "I am not upset with you, I simply need to calm myself down."
- Use your time during the timeout to understand YOUR contributions to the situation.
- Your spouse will be using their time to reflect on their contributions as well. EVERYONE has a contribution!
- Maybe you allowed yourself to be triggered, or worked-up, or you said something unhelpful.
- At the promised time, the one who called the timeout should call the time-in.
- Or ask for more time, if needed, but don't abuse this because you will erode trust.
- Start with your admission of the time you spent reflecting on your contribution (your apology) and that you are ready to try again.
- "I am sorry I got worked-up. I will try to manage that better."
If the two of you are able to talk all of this through BEFORE you have another conflict, then using a timeout will feel more natural and more helpful. Plan a sunset walk together where you can talk though using a timeout before it's ever needed. Agree that you will love each other enough to use timeouts even if it feels a bit bumpy at first.
PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION
If you or your spouse need to take timeout, that means at least one of you is getting worked-up or escalated. This is not a good time to be critical of each other by nitpicking the details of the timeout. In other words, if your spouse asks for a timeout and forgets the apology in step 7, don't point it out. Really, don't do it. It will not be helpful. Instead, remind yourself that your spouse loves you enough to try something different in hopes of a better outcome. Progress, not perfection is the goal!
SUMMARY
Every married couple will have differences that lead to misunderstanding and conflict. Misunderstanding and conflict are not the problem. Not working through misunderstanding and conflict in a healthy way, and without doing additional damage to your relationship, is the problem. You can work through these challenges better than you have in the past. Learning new skills is hard to do, and yet you cannot grow without learning something new. Learning to take a timeout when needed could be the marriage growth you've been looking for. Taking a timeout, instead of escalating to a fight, will guarantee that everyone wins!
This is a "must-have" tool for every married couple. If you learn better by watching videos, consider joining our Member's Video Toolbox where we feature a video on time-outs, and many more—all with discussions questions and notes.
Check out our Member's Video Toolbox
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:
1. What are your personal warning signs that you are beginning to get worked-up or escalated?
2. Can you think of a situation from the past where taking a timeout may have resulted in a better outcome? Share this with your spouse so you will both be motivated to try a timeout in the future.
3. Can you think of any reason NOT to talk to your spouse about what it would look like to take a timeout when needed in the future? In other words, if you spend just a little time talking this through, it will be a future investment into resolving conflict with less damage. Why don't you do that right now.
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By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2025
Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/post/timeout
