HOW DO YOUR KIDS BEHAVE?
For this parenting article, let's focus specifically on behaviors–how do you get your kids to BEHAVE in ways that will honor God, make you proud, AND make your kids proud of themselves someday? As a model, let's look at how God manages His children, us, to see what we can learn. In Proverbs 3:11-12, the Psalmist writes, "Do not despise the Lord’s instruction, my son, and do not loathe his discipline; for the Lord disciplines the one he loves, just as a father disciplines the son in whom he delights." This verse tell us that God disciplines those whom He loves, us, and fathers are said to delight in the son (or child) who gets disciplined. Could this be a lone reference about discipline or a reference taken out of context? Not by a long shot.
Let's look at Hebrews 12:6-11. It says, "My son, do not take the Lord’s discipline lightly or lose heart when you are reproved by him, for the Lord disciplines the one he loves and punishes every son he receives. Endure suffering as discipline: God is dealing with you as sons. For what son is there that a father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline—which all receive—then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Furthermore, we had human fathers discipline us, and we respected them. Shouldn’t we submit even more to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time based on what seemed good to them, but he does it for our benefit, so that we can share his holiness. No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Are you seeing a pattern yet? If this were a math equation, it might say, "LOVE = DISCIPLINE." Next, let's look at how we might define the word "discipline."
"If this were a math equation, it might say, LOVE = DISCIPLINE."
DISCIPLINE DEFINED
Websters Dictionary defines discipline as: "the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience." Now, think back to God managing us, his followers. Does God intend to train us to "obey rules or a code of behavior?" I would say, "YES." Does God use "punishment" to correct disobedience? I would say, "YES" again. As an example of God's punishment, He allowed his people, the Israelites, to be captured and enslaved multiple times as a form of punishment to them because they strayed from worshipping God to worshipping other things that were not good for them. This Egyptian captivity alone lasted over 400 years! Does that imply that God is a mean bully? No, just the opposite. God loved his people so much that he chose to discipline, or punish, his people so they would return to him. Was the punishment good for God or good for his people? God's punishment was good for BOTH!
So, why is it that we try to convince ourselves that any discipline is harsh and unneeded? It is because WE don't like to discipline? Maybe. Or because we are lazy? Or because we lack good discernment that might allow us to discipline well? These are all possibilities, but God does not suffer from these human frailties. He disciplines us because he loves us—PERIOD.
WHERE DO WE START?
We start by looking at the big picture. We know that we must require our kids to do some things. After all, if we let our kids raise themselves and discipline themselves, what would that outcome look like? For years, we have said, "If you ASK your kids to do something with REQUIRING them to do it, they will only do what THEY want, not what YOU want." We stand by this parenting wisdom. The question then becomes HOW do you REQUIRE your kids to do anything?
If you intend to discipline your children in the way God disciplines us, then you must look for two things: look for where you have leverage AND what is appropriate for the situation. God's people wanted the freedom to worship whatever or whomever they pleased. God had the leverage to take this freedom from them and He did so in a way that forced the Israelites to face the consequences from the freedom they were abusing. God took away much of their freedom for multiple generations. This example worked well for God and we can learn from it, but we don't have the same luxury here that God does!
Let us give you an example. Don't give your kids a car at 16 years old. Don't do it! Instead, let them drive a car that belongs to you and make sure they understand it is YOUR car. This is because it is much easier to take away YOUR car for a week as a form of discipling them, than it is to take back a car you told them was theirs. You need to own that car for leverage if needed. Also, if your child is irresponsible with driving, taking your car back makes more sense than taking their car away. If on the other hand, they are having trouble keeping their room clean, look for some more appropriate leverage than taking your car back. How about hiring a cleaning person for their room and take it out of their allowance? Now you're talking!
"If you ASK your kids to do something with REQUIRING them to do it, they will only do what THEY want, not what YOU want."
For younger kids, you may get frustrated, and rightfully so, when you have to ask them 15 times to do anything. If you have allowed this to continue, then you have trained your child to think that asking 15 times is the norm. This is why you will need to retrain them. You might say to them, "I haven't taught you well by giving you so many second chances. The truth is life does not work that way. From now on, I will ask you one time. I will expect an answer from you (like, "Ok mom") and immediate action unless we arrange otherwise. I may give you a warning from time to time, but most often there will be swift consequences. I need to do this because I love you." You will need to put this into your own words, but don't soften it so much that it lacks any discipline or else you will be right back where you started.
REWARD GOOD BEHAVIOR MORE OFTEN THAN YOU DISCIPLINE FOR POOR BEHAVIOR
You will tire from constantly riding your kids. They will tire of it too. Your kids need to be more compelled to do what's right than to avoid what will get them into trouble. Good behavior needs to be its own reward. This is why I love the phrase I recently learned form my daughter who has two kids of her own. She says, "Water flowers, not weeds." Take in that wisdom because it is very rich.
"Water flowers, not weeds."
SUMMARY
Your children NEED to be disciplined by you. In fact, disciplining any child that needs it, is one of the purest forms of love. We see all of this in the example that God sets in his discipline for us. Don't avoid discipline. Instead, learn how to discipline in a healthy way that promotes the kinds of behaviors that honor God, and make your kids proud of the people they are becoming. You can do this!
Read more from our "Parenting Challenges" series here:
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:
1. In what ways are you too soft on your kids–lacking the kind of discipline thatGod intended?
2. We made the statement that "LOVE = DISCIPLINE." Does this statement make you uncomfortable? If so, why?
3. What are some ways that the two of you can work together to be more united and consistent in the discipline of your children?
4. Is all of this ONLY about behavior–the outward actions of your child, or is there a connection between how they behave and what's in their hearts?
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By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2025
Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/post/parents4
