When it comes to having a happy and thriving marriage, most of us think it’s pretty straightforward. You fall in love with each other. You decide you want to spend the rest of your lives together. You vow to love each other in front of your friends, your family, and God. Then you merely enjoy the ride from there, right? We all wish it were this simple.

While love often happens this way in the movies, in the real world, it rarely does. The real world includes lots of things that cause us stress like jobs, kids, in-laws, holidays, our pasts, and more. If you want a great marriage in the real world, there will be lots of things to figure out and work through. How can we resolve conflict in our marriage when it happens? How do we find our new balance with in-laws, especially when there are two different sets of them? We love our kids, but how do my spouse and I still make time for each other now that the kids are demanding so much of our time? How do we handle the stress of everyday life without taking it out on each other? How do we overcome our unhealthy pasts so they don't ruin our present?

For us, life had become complicated and demanding. We were both trying to advance in our careers. We were trying to find enough time to work on our home together. We were also making an effort to pay off some financial responsibilities. Further, we could not seem to find enough time for both of our families, hers or mine. And all of this while adding parenting to the mix, which in itself is a full-time endeavor. Our world felt like it was crashing in on us. I was exhausted and feeling like I couldn’t go on much longer, and I know Tami was feeling the same way. We were on some crazy, demanding merry-go-round ride called life, and we could not figure out how to get a break.

With all of the stress, we started arguing more frequently and having the same arguments over and over. The increased arguments made it feel like we were heaping stress (unresolved conflict) on top of stress (kids, bill, jobs, etc.). At some point in all of this, we felt pretty desperate. We were intuitive enough to know that we could not keep this up much longer. We thought about going to our family for help, but most of them had been divorced by this point – many of them more than once. We reasoned that they would not be able to help us since they could not seem to help themselves in the areas where we needed help.

Our ray of hope came in the surprising form of an older couple from our church who we had spent some time with at certain events over the previous several years. They were about 20 years older than us and seemed so relaxed and wise. They seemed to have so much of what we were looking for. They would often talk with our kids and interact with them in sweet and helpful ways. This would give us some respite from the constant attention that our kids seemed to need from us. As simple as these gestures were, they were enough to give us some needed breathing room.

This couple would also ask plainly how we were doing and if we needed anything. We had been feeling so very alone before this, but their sincere inquiries made us feel like we had someone in our corner. And we desperately needed someone in our corner. At one point, we were brave enough to ask them if they could help us with a few “issues.” These were seemingly basic things like how to balance family and work or some suggestions on the best ways to get our kids to bed without an ordeal every night.

We became quite close to this couple and always looked forward to seeing them. And so did our kids. Looking back, what we really had done was to adopt this couple as our marriage mentors.

Although we didn’t know it then, this plan turned out to be brilliant! This couple lovingly offered us emotional support and encouragement whenever it was needed. Since they seemed to be thriving after raising a family of their own, it made us feel like we could do it too.

Something else happened in the middle of all of this. While this couple was mentoring us and loving on us, we connected with yet another couple. They, too, were older than us, this time by almost ten years. What is most important with both couples is not so much that they were older, but that they were years ahead of us in wisdom, maturity, and in life. These two couples continually gave us the wisdom and insight we needed to get our marriage and our family back on track.

When we were considering a move to a different city, these mentor couples gave us some important things to consider. The questions that they had us ask of ourselves about moving were a sobering balance to the excitement we felt toward a newer and larger home. The time came for our kids to start school, and we had many questions about what would be best for them. Our mentors came to the rescue with time-tested advice about kids and schools and the things that really mattered. Additionally, when our daughters started dating (one of the scariest moments of our lives), we knew exactly who to turn to before we panicked.

At one point a younger friend of mine asked me why anyone would really need a mentor. I took a deep breath, paused for effect, then said, “Everybody is mentored by someone, either for your benefit or your detriment – and you likely won't know the difference until you have made some pretty big mistakes. Why would you NOT want mentors in your life? That's the real question.” My friend nodded in agreement.

I am convinced that in God’s plan for the family, marriage mentors are a part of that plan. This is one of the reasons why it is so important for families to work things out and stay together so that as kids grow up and get married, they can look up to their still-married parents as mentors. When those parents have been through a divorce or two, that intended cycle of baked-in marriage mentoring is broken.

You may be wondering if there are certain criteria that a mentor must meet before you sign them up for the job. These criteria should be very similar to anyone else you allow into your inner circle. For starters, when considering if you should allow someone to speak into your life in this way or not:

  • This should be someone who you respect.
  • This should be someone who has made a few mistakes and learned well from them.
  • A couple should be happily married. Not perfect, but happy.
  • If this couple has only been married once, this is ideal and uncomplicated. But if they have been married more than once, you must determine if they have overcome the reason their previous marriage failed.
  • This should be a couple who you already cross paths with regularly. This means you already know them and feel comfortable with them.

Mentoring is such a beautiful and intentional thing. Nonetheless, it may feel a bit awkward to approach an older couple and ask, “Would you be our mentors?” This reminds me of how frightened I felt when I asked Tami’s parents if I could marry her. It doesn’t have to be that awkward.

Be intentional about noticing those couples and individuals around you who offer wisdom and grace to others in their circles. Introduce yourselves and spark up a friendship. Ask someone out for coffee or lunch. Eventually, there will come a time when you will want to let this couple know that you really appreciate the difference they have made in your life by watching their example. Ask them if they would mind answering a few questions from time to time about marriage and life. Then be intentional to spend time with them. You could meet for dinner, go out for coffee regularly, or join a church group together. All of these are great ways to promote a solid relationship with your new mentor(s). Someday, you might even consider telling them how much they have meant to you over the years–as mentors.

Lastly, Tami and I have coined a term that we call the "mentor sandwich." The healthiest people are both mentored by someone who is ahead of them in life and a mentor to someone who is behind them in life. This mentor sandwich will keep you learning for yourself and teaching others simultaneously. This is also a beautiful picture of discipleship.

Are marriage mentors really that big of a deal? You bet they are! 

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By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2016