In this parenting article, part 3, we will dig a bit deeper into the whys and hows that drive effective, healthy parenting.

BE MINDFUL OF THE MOTIVATIONS BEHIND YOUR PARENTING

Everybody desires to raise great humans; that's not the kind of motivations we are talking about here. Instead, let's talk about the motivations behind your parenting mindset. Do you parent from a mostly healthy view of your upbringing where you spend the most time thinking about the helpful things you recall and how you can incorporate those good parenting skills into your own parenting, even if you need to adjust them a bit for your personality or that of your kids? Or do you parent from a place that spends the most energy proclaiming what you will never do because of your negative recollections of how you were parented? The first mindset of parenting is one we call "positive proactive parenting." The second mindset of parenting is one we call "retro-reactive parenting." Let's break down this important difference.

POSITIVE PROACTIVE PARENTING

This foundational parenting mindset acknowledges that your parents did not do everything perfectly – and neither will you. But a positive proactive parent will see mostly good intent and positive outcomes from how you were parented. A hallmark of this style declares, "As a kid, I may not have liked everything my parents did, but as an adult, I can see why they did what they did." Proactive parents spend more time thinking of the positive takeaways from their own parents and childhood experiences as in, "I WILL DO THAT". If this describes you, then you have a healthy mindset toward parenting. If this describes you, then you have a good idea of how you WILL parent your kids.

RETRO-REACTIVE PARENTING

This mindset of parenting starts with thinking about what you WON'T do in your own parenting. It flows out of thoughts like; "I will never treat my kids the way I was treated," or, "I don't ever want my kids to feel                  the way that I did as a kid," or even, "I don't want to be anything like my parents." And you may have good reason NOT to emulate your parents' parenting methods. Maybe you were abused at the hands of your parents – if so, we are so very sorry. Maybe one or both parents were absent, either emotionally or physically – it's not your fault and we are sorry that happened to you. Whatever the reason, this mindset can be recognized by you focusing more on the negative takeaways from your parents and is most evident when you find yourself proclaiming, "I WILL NOT DO THAT." If this is you, you have an unhealthy mindset toward parenting that could benefit from understanding your childhood better. This parenting mindset simply has too many blindspots.

The most important thing to understand for this conversation is this; what would you say makes up the bulk of your feelings regarding your experiences as a child? Did you feel mostly LOVED, UNDERSTOOD, and VALUED as a kid or did you feel mostly UNLOVED, MISUNDERSTOOD, or DEVALUED as a kid? Your answers will tell you if you are more likely to be a POSITIVE PROACTIVE parent or a RETRO-REACTIVE parent. And if you are a retro-reactive parent, you would do well to shift you focus more towards what you WILL do as a parent, and away from what you WILL NOT do. If this describes you, then you have little idea of how you WILL parent your kids, because you are preoccupied with what you won't do. Do you see the void in retro-reactive thinking?

ARE YOU INTENTIONAL TO BUILD CHARACTER?

Every parent would agree that building character into their kids is of the utmost importance, but ask any parent about their PLAN to accomplish this and they will give you a blank stare. What about you? What is YOUR plan to build character into your kids? Let us give you a simple approach to this that will build unity between you and your spouse as well as build character into your kids.

As a mom and dad, set aside some time to come up with a list of five character traits that you can agree on together, that you want to build into your kids. At this phase, please don't worry about an exhaustive list, or a list that will meet any possible future challenge, this is only a list to start with. You and your spouse should be able to come up with such a list of just five things. Furthermore, more than five character traits on your list will become challenging for your kids to remember, but five is very manageable.
AS AN EXAMPLE:

  1. Respect
  2. Patience
  3. Kindness
  4. Responsibility
  5. Being helpful

Now, let's assume that you have your agreed upon list. Next, come up with a family-centered statement that you would use to help correct any actions that are NOT what you want to foster in your kids. For example: "We are a family who respects others, and what you did was not respectful." Do you see that in addition to these characteristics applying to your kids, you and your spouse will be applying them to yourselves as well? This is how to get your kids to "do as you do," as opposed to "do what I say, and NOT what I do?" This also means there will be times when one of your kids catches you being disrespectful, for example, and corrects you by saying, "Mommy/daddy, we are a family who respects others, and what you did was disrespectful." If/when you hears this from your child, this is cause for celebration because you have fully instilled this character trait in them!

WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?

The biggest concern here are those of you who have been parenting from a place of "I WILL NEVER DO THAT" because a negative motivation will struggle to effect positive outcomes on your kids. A retro-reactive parent will convince themself that they have found FREEDOM from the way they were parented, but in reality parenting out of FEAR in this way will cause you to overcompensate in unhealthy ways.

Be intentional to parent from a mindset of pursuing what is positive, rather than only avoiding what is negative. Be intentional with the character traits that you want to build into your kids and apply these character traits to yourself as well. After all, the best lessons are CAUGHT and not TAUGHT.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

1. Do you tend to parent out of a mindset that dictates what you WILL do, or what you WON'T do? What about your spouse?

2. What are some of the pros and cons of your current mindset towards parenting? Make a list to see where there is room for improvement.

3. In what ways are you intentional to plan how you will parent versus the ways that you simply react from what is inside of you?

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Have you read our other parenting articles?

Parenting Challenges Part 1

If you have any comments or questions about this post, we would love to hear from you using the comments link in the footer below.

By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2025

Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/post/parents3