When it comes to stress in your marriage and in your life, you will either manage it–or it will manage you. While it's tempting for me to perform a "mic drop" here because the point has been made, I would prefer to offer some helpful ways to manage the stressors in your life and in your marriage. I believe that it's possible to have a better marriage, with fewer conflicts, when you do.

"When it comes to stress in your marriage and in your life, you will either manage it–or it will manage you." ~Brad Miller

Think about the times you have felt like you are coming out of your skin because of stress. Maybe you already felt bugged or agitated by something over the past day or two, then your spouse said or did that thing again—and you lost your mind! After that, what happened next seems like a blur. It may have taken hours or days to clean up the mess you made. You hurt your spouse with your words, your tone, and your actions–so you have apologized several times in an effort to clean up the mess. Or, maybe this has happened too many times before and your spouse simply doesn't feel like letting you off the hook again. So you wait in the midst of being stonewalled by your spouse–they have pulled away from you and you don't know when, or if, that will change. And you keep waiting and waiting for your spouse to give in a little so you can try your best attempts at damage control again. This does not have to be the end of your story.

THE SCIENCE OF STRESS

God designed our bodies to have a "fight, flight, or freeze" response to stress. Think of a stressor as something like someone throwing a lit stick of dynamite to you! Yes, this would cause anyone to panic. The stressor creates a cortisol and adrenaline dump into your system that flips a switch in your nervous system as a means to help you get out of danger. This switch in your nervous system focuses all of your cognitive and physical energy on avoiding whatever threat your brain is perceiving at the moment. In this case, the threat is the dynamite with a rapidly shortening fuse.

In the scenario where you lost your mind at home, the build up to fight, flight, or freeze might have been the slow drip of work pressure created by demands piling up faster than you can work through them. Then there was the new dent you noticed on your car as you were leaving work. You thought to yourself, "I can't believe someone hit my car in this parking lot and didn't say a word or leave a note. Who does that?!" And what has been building up in you is the reason your body already felt on the edge when you walked in the door to your home. Hearing your kids fighting over that same stupid toy again is what pushed you over the top, and in many ways your body feels just the same as it would if a stick of dynamite were about to explode. The difference in this case is that it is not the dynamite that is a perceived threat to you, your kid's constant fighting is what has been perceived as a threat because you simply cannot take any more stress right now. Do you see how easily this happens?

EVERYBODY HAS TO DEAL WITH STRESS, NOT EVERYBODY DOES IT WELL

The truth is that everyone has to deal with stress at one time or another, it is simply a part of life. But, not everyone deals with stress in a helpful manner.

The first step is to be aware of what your body is telling you. We like to use the analogy of a warning light on your car's dash. If you have ever had your warning light come on in your car, the most important question you could ask is, "What, exactly, is this warning light telling me?" That warning light could be telling you something minor, like one of your tires has dropped below the minimum pressure threshold. This could be easily remedied by going to a gas station with an air compressor to fill your tire back up. In fact, you could be dealing with such a slow air leak, or even a temperature change that dropped your tire pressure, that you could wait days or weeks before an air refill was needed. On the other hand, your warning light could be on because your car is overheating after somehow loosing all of its cooling capacity. If this is the case, you might only have a minute to pull over and shut off your car before irreparable damage has been done.

What about YOUR engine warning light? When you feel that pressure in your body, or your breathing starts to quicken, or something else that you recognize in your body, you should get in the habit of asking, "Why is this bothering me right now?" or "What is happening that could be causing me to feel this stress?" Either way, your answer to that question will likely tell you what the cause of your stress is, how immediate of a solution you need, and even what the solution to your stress is. Learning to recognize this in yourself could be one of the most important skills you will ever develop.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER?

The next step is to be very intentional to understand what you have control over and what you don't. You may not have control over a stick of dynamite being hurled at you, but you do have control over yourself and therefore, may be able to run and get out of the way. You may not have much control over your kids arguing over a silly toy again, but you have control over the way you respond to them or to the situation. 

Understanding what you have control over starts with a very simple question. Ask yourself, "What do I have control over right now?" If your car has already been damaged by someone who hit it, you don't have any control over that, but you do have some control over where your mind goes next. Is this the end of the world? No. Is this an inconvenience. Yes, it certainly is.

ARE YOU VULNERABLE WITH YOUR SPOUSE?

If you have to think about that last question more than a few seconds, the answer is likely, "No!" The next step in managing stress in your marriage and in your life is to be vulnerable with your spouse and share what you are going through. Before you click out of this post because being vulnerable with your spouse sounds terrifying, hear me out. The thing that has gotten you in the most trouble with stress is you acting like you have to deal with everything on your own. There is no TEAM in ALONE.

Allow me to play this out for you. Stress has been building at work or at home, but you can handle it, or so you think. You don't seem to notice the slow buildup of your stress, but your spouse does. Just as you are convincing yourself that you can handle it, your spouse is getting tired of what they have felt building up in you for some time now. Since you haven't shared any of this with your spouse, your spouse is left to assume that all of this tension is the new normal, and they don't like it. Want to know what could have changed all of this? Being vulnerable with your spouse by sharing what has been building up in you, asking them for some prayer, for grace, and anything else you might be missing. Then, you get to watch that vulnerability translate into less stress, or stress managed by a team instead of all alone.

STRESS FEELS JUST LIKE CONFLICT

There are so many similarities between feeling stressed and being in conflict. That's because our brains respond to both of them in most of the same ways. This means everything you already understand about ways to manage conflict, should also be helpful when trying to manage stress. Allow me to give you a few key bullet points.

  • With both conflict and stress you must learn to manage yourself.
  • With both conflict and stress you should try to slow things down because this helps you to manage yourself.
  • With both conflict and stress you should try to be VERY aware of what is happening in your body. 
    • These clues are often rapid breathing, talking louder than normal, feeling flush, and feeling agitated.
  • With both conflict and stress you can use conflict management tools like time-outs, managing your tone, maintaining healthy boundaries, and more.

TEAM vs. ALONE

In marriage, you will always be better together. That's the way God intended for marriage to be, for a husband and wife to share life for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish each other until parted by death. Sound familiar?

Listen to what your body is telling you, the lights on your dash. Figure out what you have control over. it's probably less than you think. Learn to be honest with your spouse by being vulnerable with him/her. Sometimes you may just want to share what's going on with you, sometimes you may want to ask for grace, or forgiveness. Sometimes you may want to ask for insights your spouse has because there could be things you are missing. The best way to defuse a bomb is to chop off the fuse. Managing stress as a team is the best possible way to chop off that fuse!

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

1. What are some ways that you allow stress to build up inside of you? Be specific.

2. Given your answers to Question #1, what are the things you have control over? Again, the more specific you can be, the more you will gain from this.

3. What are some possible ways that your spouse could help if you let your guard down and invited them into your world?

4.. Why is vulnerability (letting your guard down and keeping it down) so terrifying at times?

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By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2025

Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/post/stuck