You may be one of the couples, who after working through a handful of issues still feels stuck. We want you to know that while there may be some complexities in your marriage that have not been addressed yet, you don't have to remain stuck. In these instances, Tami and I have often recognized about 10 or so different unhealthy patterns that are all merging together to make it feel like you are both STUCK in a rut. This is both good news and bad news. Let me explain. The good news is that it is easier to tackle these unhealthy patterns one bite-sized piece at a time in order to make progress. The bad news is, that while you are tackling one unhealthy pattern, there will be several more unhealthy patterns that will try to convince you both that nothing is working… but it will work if you stick with it.

This list will be a lot to take in, but take these items in slowly, and begin working on things as you can, and with intention. Be sure to let each other know the patterns you are currently working on, SO THAT your spouse is able to look for progress and change in that area. When you are able to acknowledge or affirm change, you will give yourselves the resolve you need to keep working through all of these steps.

These steps are not listed in any particular order. Find one or two steps that you find are the easiest to tackle and work on those. Once you feel it's time to tackle another step, just come back to this list and find another pattern to manage until you have worked through them all. Repeat if necessary!

"In these instances, Tami and I have often recognized about 10 or so different unhealthy patterns that are all merging together to make it feel like you are both STUCK in a rut."

1. Take Control Over The Things That You Have Control Over

For the most part, each of you is likely convinced that the bulk of the problems are what the other is doing. Instead, focus on what you have control over, work on managing it, and let your spouse know that you are working on that thing. It will always be the EASIEST to see what your spouse is doing "wrong," it will always be the MOST EFFECTIVE to figure out what you are doing wrong and manage it. Read Matthew 7:3-5 for inspiration.

2. Don’t Convince Yourself That You Are A Victim

The victim mentality can sneak in easily and without anyone noticing. Maybe you have convinced yourself that nobody truly knows what's going on in your marriage, and therefore, you are the victim. Maybe, you have rationalized that your spouse is better at winning people over with their charms, and therefore, you are not getting a fair chance from anyone. Again, this makes you the victim. Let us teach you a helpful reframe. You believe that you have become a victim of your circumstance. A healthy reframe of that might be, "I knew my spouse had some flaws when I decided to marry him/her and what I am currently experiencing is one of those flaws." Is it possible for me to set aside feeling like a victim long enough to work on my own stuff?" After all, when you have convinced yourself that you are a victim, you have also convinced yourself that there is not much you have any control over.

3. Don’t Be An Attorney

You are each stuck in some level of attorney mode. When you are speaking about each other, you are the prosecuting attorney, trying to prove to the jury that your spouse is guilty, guilty, guilty. When you are speaking about yourself, you switch to defense attorney, trying to prove that you are not as guilty as the other person says you are. And in the midst of all of this, you are unable to hear the important things that your spouse says (like a sincere attempt at an apology) because you are so busy operating in attorney mode and planning your next move to prove the other guilty. Of course there may be a detail or nuance of this that Tami and I don’t understand in your particular situation, but after reading this, ask yourself, “Is there anything here that is true?” If so, that’s where you need to start your work on this one.

4. Believe The Best About Each Other

If you are not intentional to believe the best about your spouse, in nearly every nuanced situation, you will default to thinking the worst about them, or close to it. For example, if your spouse is often late, do you believe the best (that they tried their best), or do you believe the worst (they just don't care and never will!)? Learn to believe the best. I would rather believe the best and be a fool once in a while, than to believe the worst and be miserable all the time!

5. Limiting Beliefs or The Thoughts In Your Head

We all have thoughts in our heads that we believe to be true, but aren't. Our thoughts have consequences, and untrue thoughts have victims. Think about that for a minute; have you ever been the victim of your own untrue thoughts? Here's a fictitious example; if John believes that Jane doesn't love him, that one thought will alter the way he sees every loving thing she does. To be fair, John may FEEL unloved at times, but the truth that he knows in his best moments is that Jane loves him deeply.
This is what “reframing” is all about. When you are experiencing pain that causes you to isolate and pull away from each other, that should be a warning light on your dashboard that tells you something is wrong. Instead, learn to reframe those messages, whatever they are, in a way that is more true and more connecting for the two of you. God created us for connection, so messages in your head that isolate you need to be recognized and reframed into messages that foster connection, healing, growth, and oneness.
For each of you, be very mindful of the voices in your head about yourselves and each other. Those voices might tell you things like:
• I don't matter to him/her.
• I don't need anyone.
• When I feel dismissed, it's proof that I am not loved by others.
• He/she always gets his/her own way.
• My spouse tries to control me.
• I am left out and unimportant – again.
• I have no voice here.
When you hear messages like this in your head, and we all do at one time or another, you have to remind yourself that just because they FEEL true in the moment does not mean that they are actually true. Furthermore, anytime these messages/feelings cause you to isolate and pull away from each other, or from God, you can be sure that these messages are actually harming you and your relationships. Therefore, listen for these messages in your head. WRITE THEM DOWN if needed, as a way to bring them into the light. Then work on reframing these harmful messages in ways that are true, helpful, and connecting.

6. Affirming Each Other

When it feels like you are becoming critical of each other (“I can’t do anything right,” or “Everything is always my fault”), stop and ask yourself if you are affirming each other in the way that you should. When we say “should,” we mean that couples in a thriving marriage affirm each other pretty close to daily. Therefore, when it FEELS like everything is your fault, pause and take a deep breath, then ask yourself, “Am I doing my part to affirm my spouse regularly?” Most of the time in this scenario, your answer will be, “No, I am not affirming my spouse enough.” You can change that, and if you need ideas you can read Affirming Your Spouse; It’s The Secret Sauce You’ve Been Missing.

7. Don’t Use Absolute Statements

There will be times that you feel justified in saying something like, “My spouse does this EVERY time.” Don’t! Absolutes come in various forms, but are most commonly expressed by incorporating these terms; always, never, not ever, not once, every time, it's been this way since day one, and more. Listen for these absolutes in your own speech and root them out. There's a good chance these things you are saying are not fully true, they will feel overly harsh to your spouse, they will feel untrue to your spouse, and they will not have the hoped for impact on your spouse.

8. Rebuilding Trust Takes Time

Trust can take years to build between a husband and wife, but can feel like it has been shattered in an instant. Not communicating well about big things, as well as little things, can feel like a breach of trust, even if that is not what was intended. Therefore, be intentional to build trust with each other. If, for example, you make a decision in the future together to spend X amount of money on a vacation, car, or whatever, remind yourself that this becomes an opportunity to build trust with each other. If you have settled on spending $50K for a new car and one of you realizes that buying the car with the new “wazoo package” will cost you $53K and seems like a smart upgrade, just know that there is a trust component that should not be dismissed. In other words, would you rather have the $53K car and damage the trust between you, or settle on the $50K car and build trust?

9. Different Opinions or Preferences CAN Coexist

You and your spouse each have your own opinions and preferences about things. This is not a problem so far. The problem comes when either of you becomes so rigid, resentful, or selfish that you cannot allow space for these differences. Over 90% of what couples fight about is over matters of preference, you don’t have to be one of them. Ask yourself these three questions:
Why are my preferences/opinions more important than my spouse’s?
What is holding me back from making room for his/her preferences/opinions?
Is the thing that is holding me back a valid reason to create this much turmoil in my marriage?

10. Don’t Merely Hope For Positive Change, Look For It

The more you can recognize positive changes from your spouse, or even attempts to change in the right direction, the more you should praise them for doing so. Progress, not perfection is what is important here.

11. You Must Learn How To Be A Team Again

Being unified in marriage is vitally important in all areas; parenting, budgeting, family time, where to live, and more. Being unified does not mean you have to think the same way, it means that you realize that the unity in your marriage needs to trump your individuality, and therefore, you must find ways to be flexible or compromise to be unified and happy.

12. Don’t Forget To Have Fun

When you are in a tough season, it can be easy to neglect doing the things that made you fall in love with each other in the first place. Sometimes it’s ok to take a break from your challenges for the purpose of laughing together and reconnecting.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

1. Which struggles from this list do you identify with? Write them down.

2. Are there things in this list that you have control over and can work on improving?

3. Is there anything that you might allow to get in your way of working on these things?

---

If you have any comments or questions about this post, we would love to hear from you using our contact form, linked in the footer.

By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2024

Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/post/stuck