Do you ever read something, stop and ponder for a moment, then say, "Wow, that was profound!" That's exactly what I did the other day when I read the following quote.

Self-interest is the enemy of all true affection. ~F.D. Roosevelt

As I often do, I am interpreting this quote within the context of marriage which I would translate as, "Self-centeredness and loving my spouse fully are at opposite ends of the spectrum." In other words, I cannot be both self-centered and have quality intimacy with my spouse because I have to give up one to get the other. You cannot have yourself as your primary focus in life and still enjoy the benefit of true intimacy with another at the same time.

I am not talking about one spouse or the other who has a hobby or passion that the other does not share. If you are an avid hunter and your spouse hates it, it's fine for you to go hunting after you are certain your spouse feels loved and cared for. Going on a hunting trip, for example, should never be used to avoid your spouse.

Or, if one spouse is really into the activities of your kids (soccer, piano, dance, volunteering at their school, etc.), this should never become more important than cultivating a solid foundation in your marriage. These interests would not be considered self-centered if your marriage legitimately took priority over these interests. By the way, whenever your spouse perceives that these other interests are competing with the marriage, you will start to argue more over little things because something has gotten out of balance.

Read it again. "Self-interest is the enemy of all true affection."

One of the reasons this is all so interesting to me is because there is so much talk about "self-love" these days. You've heard it and so have we. A simple search for #selflove will result in thousands of posts every day! How do we balance proper self-love with our relationships to our spouse? First, we need to clarify a few things to get on the same page. Now, we all need a standard to live our lives by. So when someone says, "Stop living your life trying to please others," I would agree. But let's dig a bit deeper. I will not live my life to please others because "others" are not my standard. In other words, if I were trying to please all others, I never truly could because there are so many different standards out there. On the other hand, I should think carefully about my standards and choose wisely and deliberately what they are. To illustrate this point, I would say that I am not trying to live my life to please others (a large, random group of people), but I am trying to please some (my wife, family that I trust, and close friends). These are the people that I need to trust to tell me when I am out of line because they know me well enough to understand my standards and hold me to them. So, I am not talking about the generic kind of self-love that everyone passes around like a stale bag of potato chips. For me, "self-love" simply means that I need to make time to unwind, clear my head, and be working on being the best me that I can. I do this for my sake, the sake of my spouse and the sake of my kids. I do this not in spite of important people in my life, I do this to facilitate healthy relationships with important people in my life!

So, go ahead and do whatever you need to as far as self-love is concerned, but do it in the context of the important relationships in your life. Do it because you know that without healthy relationships to others, we are missing out on life's grandest blessings!

*In all honesty, it was hard for me to keep this post on track and down to a manageable 5 minute read. Please let me know what I can clarify for you since other readers are likely thinking the same thing. Thanks.

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Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/self

By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2016