We cannot tell you how many times a well-meaning husband or wife has said to us something like, "I should be able to say whatever is on my mind to my spouse." To which we might respond, "How is that working out for you?" Their usual answer is, "Not very well, I guess."

We all tend to think that true love between a husband and a wife will allow them to be completely honest with each other, no matter how much that "truth" might sting in the moment. This is simply not true!

Let's start with what the Bible says about the words we say. James 3:5-6 says, "So too, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it boasts of great things. Consider how small a spark sets a great forest ablaze. The tongue also is a fire, a world of wickedness among the parts of the body. It pollutes the whole person, sets the course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." If this sounds as if the words we say have the ability to destroy things, that's precisely what it says!

How about Ephesians 4:29 which says, "Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." The context here implies that kind and thoughtful words will build up others SO THAT they can serve their God-given purpose, and harsh words can tear others down and hinder them from serving their God-given purpose. Don't take my word for it, look these verses up and see for yourself.

Then there is the issue of our own wounds and brokenness, and how those play into a marriage. If, for example, one spouse was yelled at as a child and constantly told that they could never do anything right, their husband or wife would do well to talk to them kindly and build them up whenever possible to help heal that wound from the past. Otherwise, one of them will be hurt all of the time, and the other will be mad all of the time. The truth is that our words can be extremely hurtful. In fact, hurtful words toward a person can "significantly increase their risk for suicide." Think about that for a moment. Your words could be the thing that finally convinces another human that life is not worth living. Wow!

Now that we have your attention, and we are glad that we do, allow us to share a simple tool we learned from Pastor Greg Laurie about 35 years ago.

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We often want to believe that anything "honest" we say to our spouse should be permissible—even when it's hurtful. This is not always true. We have used the following acronym for many years, and it has never failed us. When you want to say something to your spouse, ask yourself if it is: True Helpful Inspiring Necessary Kind

T.H.I.N.K. before you speak. This will save you a great deal of heartache, for you and for your spouse. And, this honors God's intent for how we should respond to other's as well.

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A marriage coaching client recently said to us, "T.H.I.N.K. before you speak would make a great printable product." We agree, so we created one for you. You can see a mock-up below of what this could look like in your home. Just use the link below to download and print this 8x10 frame-able mantra for your marriage.

Find this printable version of T.H.I.N.K. before you speak at https://TandemMarriage.com/tools

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

1. How often have you hurt your spouse with your words? Do you do this intentionally or unintentionally?

2. Ask your spouse to help you understand things you have said that have been hurtful. Don't defend yourself, listen to how they have been hurt.

3. To change any habits takes time and intentionality. How will you do this with your words? What's your plan for success?

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If you have any comments or questions about this post, we would love to hear from you using our contact form, linked in the footer.

By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2026

Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/post/think