Daily scorekeeping is a very real part of life for most people. We keep score on all kinds of things without ever realizing it.
Daily scorekeeping can look like:

  • Am I doing better at my job than ________________ is?
  • I sure hope my favorite team makes it to the playoffs.
  • My car may be a little dirty, but it's not as dirty as that other person's car.
  • I wish I could get as many social media followers (or likes) as _________________.
  • One of my children concisely gets grades that are below my other child.
  • You get the idea.

But keeping score in your marriage will rarely be helpful, yet we meet with couples all the time who do precisely that.
Scorekeeping in marriage can look like:

  • I do more chores at home than my spouse does.
  • He/she never takes out the trash (or something similar).
  • I spend more time with the kids than my spouse does.
  • I am the one who always ________________.
  • My spouse never ___________________.
  • Maybe you even write these things down to keep track of the score!

Most of the time in marriage, focusing on keeping score between you and your spouse will be one-sided and very unhelpful. For example, when you started a family, you likely both agreed that one of you would bear most of the responsibility with the kids while the other spouse was to bear most of the responsibility for household income. And yet, there will be times when the spouse who bears most of the responsibility with the kids will keep score on how much time with the kids is spent by each spouse and determine that something is "not fair." And there will be times when the spouse who bears most of the responsibility for household income will keep score on how much time is spent "bringing home the bacon," or even spending "the bacon" by each spouse and determine that something is "not fair."

WHAT WILL KEEPING SCORE DO TO YOU?
You and your spouse need to be a team in all things. When you think of a football team, for example, the quarterback does not say to the lineman, "I am throwing more passes than you and it's not fair." Of course this seems silly because these team members have very different roles that are obvious to see. And yet, this is often what happens in a marriage. One spouse agrees that their role is to do the majority of _______________, but will often feel it's unfair when this happens.

To be fair, we were not there when these agreements were made between the two of you, nor are we aware of any selfishness currently playing out in your marriage. We only want to help you, our reader, to see that I most cases, keeping score in marriage will frustrate you.

WHAT WILL KEEPING SCORE DO TO YOUR SPOUSE?
Again, let's assume that you are the one keeping score, and your spouse is the one having to hear about how they did not measure up. And they WILL feel like the don't/can't measure up. This becomes an issue of unrealistic expectations and continued disappointment. If you want your spouse to feel like they are never good enough, keep score. If you want both of you to be more stressed than you currently are, then keep score. When you keep score, it WILL make your spouse become defensive, and this will not have the desired effect.

If, on the other hand, you desire to communicate to your spouse that things seem like they have slipped into an unbalanced state, remember that you have your perspective on things, and so does your spouse. Instead of starting with an accusation that says, "You are not doing your part," start with an honest and vulnerable assessment of where you currently are. Are you lonely? Then start there. Are you tired and feel overworked? Then start there, and be sure to let your spouse know you aren't implying that this is their fault. Are you tired of driving kids to school? Again start with an honest admission that you are tired, instead of an accusation.

THERE WILL BE A GREAT DEAL OF NUANCE IN YOUR SITUATION
There will be lots of details for your family that we have not explicitly considered in this article. And we don't have the space to do that. Our intent is to bring to light something that trips up many of the couples we have worked with over the years, so you can proactively watch out for this landmine.

PRACTICAL STEPS TO COUNTERACT SCREKEEPING

  • When you catch yourself keeping score, realize that's not a great team approach.
  • Press yourself to understand your need underneath the imbalanced score sheets you have been keeping.
  • Make time to share your honest and vulnerable needs with your spouse.
  • Listen to your spouse's point of view. You may learn something important that you had missed.
  • Be aware of unrealistic expectations. More on that in another blog article here.
  • Remember that unity trumps individualism in marriage. The needs of the marriage must come before the needs of the individual.

SUMMARY
Yes, marriage can be difficult. Yes, one or both spouses can be very self-absorbed at times. None of this changes the goal in marriage, for the "two to become one flesh." This can feel like an impossible task, but is possible when each spouse makes continual, small improvements that benefit the team!

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

1. Think of a time when you kept score on something in your marriage. Did this scorekeeping serve to help you, or your spouse, or your marriage?

2. Does one of you tend to keep score more than the other? Has this ever been helpful?

3. Since you are on the same team with your spouse, is there ever a way in which keeping score could be helpful?

4. Think of the last time you kept score on something. What is the honest and vulnerable need that you would have shared with your spouse?

---

If you have any comments or questions about this post, we would love to hear from you using our contact form, linked in the footer.

By Brad & Tami Miller. Contact us at brad@TandemMarriage.com. Copyright © 2026

Link to: https://tandemmarriage.com/post/score